I was reminded of the apartment struggle in Paris. As James and I got excited about a place. Only to be notified that it was rented to someone else. Big city home hunting is not for the weak-hearted.The fourth place. Finally came through. I am happy to report that we are the proud owners of a New York apartment lease.
As I type. James is shipping boxes. Ordering a bed. And saying his Utah adieus.
He arrives Thursday. And will begin reestablishing himself. For him, graduate school is just around the corner. And before he knows it. A grander chapter will begin.
I sit with a stir-craziness. A feeling I can’t label or give direction to. I am elated by my new home. But grounded by Le Cordon Bleu responsibilities. My eagerness to get to the city is tamed by Parisian reality. More so. My unsettled feelings stem from loneliness. Unable to help my husband. Incapable of experiencing this moment with him. Separated by life circumstances.
This is a moment when I want it all to pass. When I question if I have made the right decision. This is when the separation from those you love doesn’t seem worth it anymore.
Call me a sentimentalist. But, I think we should spend the first night together. Not him alone. I am tempted to spiral into deep depression. Tempted.
I realized that I am living a dream. Le Cordon Bleu. Paris. Cooking. Daily croissants.
I understand that life – this life – was not meant to be easy.
Some of you may be rolling your eyes at my downer. And you’re partially right.
I have lots to bring smiles. Sometimes though. It’s just hard.
In a recent New York trip we saw Promises, Promises. And this song says it best (minus the broken heart/mistake bits).
A House Is Not A Home
Lyrics by Burt Bacharach
A chair is still a chair
Even when there's no one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight,
And no one there you can kiss good night.
A room is still a room
Even when there's nothing there but gloom;
But a room is not a house,
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart.
Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends it ends in tears.
Darling, have a heart,
Don't let one mistake keep us apart.
I'm not meant to live alone. Turn this house into a home.
When I climb the stair and turn the key,
Oh, please be there still in love with me.
Ah but Tony, where two should be one there are times when one should be two. The fact that you two can accomplish so much when apart means that when you are one, the sky's the limit. The first night does not begin until you both are there, in your home.
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