The Pain Of It All

I have been down most of this morning with a migraine. Those little buggers. There is a lot of unknown still about the human brain and migraines, so it is always a shot in the dark why they come on. I have been able to drill down to some specific triggers, but still, like this morning, it seems like they pop up out of no where.

First I get an aura across my vision. Like a bright light that follows my gaze. As the aura gets brighter my peripheral vision goes dark, akin to large blind spots. The blind spots are obvious, but the aura is sometimes faint. I usually pick up a book to read as a test of how strong the aura is. If I can’t make out the words, then I know trouble is rumbling.

----------------------------Me Trying to Ignore a Migraine--------------------------

As my vision comes back into balance my right side goes numb. Numb from the top of my head, through my lips and teeth all the way to my finger tips. Because I am scared of migraines and try my best to ignore one coming on I will test my numbness. (I know full well that I am in the midst of getting a migraine, but I refuse to believe.) By biting my lips and fingertips I can tell when the numbness is true.

Short-term memory loss accompanies the numbness. I usually am unable to recall people’s names, or remember what I did yesterday, or if I sent that email or placed that call (thank god for sent/call logs!)

Finally, the vision is back in balance, and my body is no longer numb. Peace and stillness. For the 13 years that I have been struggling with migraines I always have hope in this moment. I have hope that the signals of the migraine will not manifest into pain. I have hope that I will not become nauseated and unable to meet light or sound. Never has this happened. The pain always follows.

Once the ‘calm before the storm’ passes, the pain settles in. It is at this point that nothing can be done. There is no medication, herbal remedies, or cool towels that can relieve the suffering. I find my way into a dark room. Lie down. Cover my self with a blanket up to my nose. Place another pillow on my forehead for some pressure. Then I just lie. I lie there waiting for the day to pass. It seems like no matter the time of the onset, the migraine will not pass until the next day.

The following day I usually feel like I have been run over by a train. No energy, no mental capacity for thought, and weariness about reentering the world.

There is obviously a physical reaction within the body during migraines, but the root cause, at least for me, has always been emotional. When there is dissidence within my heart my body reacts with migraines.

I have been suffering a grave deal from migraines these recent days and I have to consider why. I know that my emotional distress is wrapped up in this new, Paris adventure. I have had to go against so many people throughout this process, and that brings me guilt. The loneliness that my family will experience when I leave makes me second guess. Thoughts of entering into a new world, different in every aspect, gives birth to anxiety. Waiting 42 more days until my departure stirs a restlessness within me. All these emotions bound up inside are manifesting through migraines.

My last days will be difficult to pass through, emotionally and physically. At this point in the game I can only take one day at a time.